Don't look back
by niadk
Summary: Elena made her choice. She let Damon go and he did. Six months later he returns to Mystic Falls. Sets some time in season 4


**AN1:** I am still bitter and angry. The season finale was a big dissapointment for me, not b/c Elena chose Stefan but seriously guys I am kind of fed up seeing Damon suffering. This fic is what I would like to see in the future, but I know there is NO WAY I will actually see it.

I am kind of bored with the idea of Elena struggling and adjusting to being a vamp blah blah so I am skipping all of it. This fic sets 7 months after the Season 3 finale, 6 months after Damon left Mystic Falls.

**AN2: **English is not my native language, so please be gentle. Many Thanks to Wicked R (Rita) for looking this over for me. She helped a lot!

**AN3: Anja** this is for you girl!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but this plot.

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**EPOV**

"I called Damon. I asked him to come back, so he will help us with this mess**,**" Stefan whispers. He doesn't look at me. He pretends like this is nothing. Like him coming back is not really a big deal. Like he doesn't know how this makes me feel. "Pretending" is something me and Stefan became very good at, those last few months. We always pretend when it comes to Damon. We pretend we don't miss him. Both of us. We pretend that I don't dream about him when I wake up in the middle of the night with his name on my lips. I have always known that Stefan had heard me and he always keeps his eyes closed pretending that he is sleeping. We pretend when we touch, when we kiss, when we make love. We are trying to ignore that _he_ is always there, between us, on my mind and on Stefan's mind. It doesn't matter anyway. I chose him. I stayed with him and I guess that's enough for him. It should be enough for me also. It's not like I regret my decision. No. I don't. Stefan is the one I love. Stefan is the one who I want. Not Damon. He never was, never will be. The thing is, _he_ is always between us. Every time we have an argument, he is there. He left to make things easier for us, but he never really "left" from our minds or from our relationship. He wasn't _actually_ here though, so we tried to ignore that his presence was.

And he is coming back. I feel the familiar pain in my chest. I am used to it. It's not like this pain ever went away. I feel it every time I bring his face into my mind, which is really all the time. God, I have missed him so much. It has been six months since he left Mystic Falls. Six months, 183 painful days since he said goodbye. He had helped with my transition, my adjustment to my new life and then he left. He took advantage of my willingness to let him go and he moved on. Far away from me. And it hurt so damn much because this shouldn't happen. I'm so angry with him. He had promised to never leave me again and he should keep his word. He should stay here. I know how selfish this may sound, but he could handle it. He had handled seeing me with Stefan before. He could handle it again. I needed him. I need him. But I didn't tell him that, when he announced that he was leaving town. No. We just shared an awkward hug and I smiled to him. Like it was ok. It wasn't.

He is coming back now and the thought of seeing him again scares me and excites me at the same time. Life is not exciting when he is not around. It is not that we don't have supernatural situations to keep us on our toes but life is NOT thrilling when Damon is not around. I miss arguing with him. I miss laughing with him. I miss how his presence was keeping me on high alert, how it consumed me... I laugh at my last thought. _"Consumed me_**.**" Oh, the irony. He had wished that on me the first time we met. A moment I remembered after I turned. He had wished that but I didn't want it. Or maybe I wasn't brave enough to go for it. Deal with it. I just wasn't ready.

I take a deep breath. "I love Stefan. I really love him". That's my mantra. I keep repeating this over and over since the moment I chose him over Damon. Stefan was the right choice. I nod to myself. Of course he was. Damon was too much for my human self. I couldn't keep up with him. He was too intense. He was too risky. Far more sexual than what I could handle. He was more than I could take. Plain and simple. Stefan was just the right amount of comfortness and excitement. At the time. But after I turned... I shake my head. "He still is. It's always going to be Stefan"**,** I think and I feel an anxiety attack coming. I want to cry. Damon is coming back. He is coming back...

So, me and Stefan will need to keep pretending. Harder than we do so far. We will need to keep pretending that my feelings for Damon haven't changed our relationship. Stefan will keep pretending that he doesn't know or care about the fact that I have feelings for his brother. I will keep pretending that I don't want him. That the "what if" is not stuck on my mind. Driving me crazy. HE is coming back home and it is scary.

We need his help though. A new bad villain has appeared and we are all in danger so we need Damon back because he is always the one who has a plan and gets things done.

And in a crisis we need him to be the "leader" again. You see, Esther may be dead (again), but it seems she just can't let go of her plan to kill her children and most specifically Klaus. And we need Klaus alive because we are all descended from him. We are his bloodline. It was Damon's blood I had in my system when I died, so I will also be "dead-dead" if Esther succeeds this time and manages to kill him.

So Damon is coming back. And I don't know what to expect. And I am happy and scared at the same time. "Does he still love me?" I wonder**. **"Of course"**,** I answer to myself immediately. Damon's love won't go away. Never. I am sure about his, I feel confident. Because let's be honest a love like that, doesn't simply fade away. Then I think of how he also stopped loving Katherine and my heart skips a few beats. I feel a panic attack coming. Again. _"No, no, no"._ My mind is screaming, reassuring me. He loves me. He loves me more than he ever loved her. And I didn't hurt him like Katherine did. Right? I shake my head. This is hard. It's so hard. There hasn't been a day those past six months when I didn't think about him. That my mind didn't try to punish me by going back to our passionate make out in Denver. The way he made me feel... How being in his arms, consumed me. Huh, There! That word again. "Consume". But honestly, there isn't any other way to describe this and it's just harder now with my senses and my emotions heightened. So... I wonder: how would it be? If I kiss him again? If I feel his hands on my body like I felt them that night? I shudder at the thought. Why can't I stop thinking about this? I have to, because I have made my choice and I have to live with it. I let him go and he did go, because Damon is strong. I knew he would be ok with me going back to his brother and he was. He moved on. It doesn't matter though. "I love Stefan**.**" I close my eyes tightly and I keep repeating my mantra...

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**DPOV**

I keep staring at my phone screen like an idiot after Stefan hung up. I have to go back to Mystic Falls. Screw this. I don't want it. Why? Why do I have to do things that make me miserable? But it isn't only about them, it is about me also. If Klaus is dead, I will be dead also. And I like being a living dead person. So, there isn't really an option, as I am sure those idiots won't succeed without me. Not that I don't have my share of epic fail plans, but let's face it. I am not that suicidal as them. And I do actually use my brain from time to time. I am not quite ready to return though. At least not now, when I finally got my life in some kind of order. I feel better. Much better. The first four months had been hell. There wasn't a second that I hadn't spent thinking about her. Worrying about her. Hurting about her. I found myself on the way back to that cursed shithole town every day and every day I changed my mind and finally turned around and drove away again. But then it got better. I finally came to a point when I didn't get in my car planning to return back to her. Instead I started taking care of myself, looking for a house, going to clubs, making friends. I even got myself a… special friend. She is not actually my "friend". Not exactly. More like girlfriend? Weird huh? I know. It is what it is though and it's not because I got over Elena. Of course not. That is never going to happen anyway. I know it and I have accepted it. But I found some comfort. I have fun and I feel appreciated by someone. And even, (dare to say) loved? She makes me believe that maybe I deserve some kind of happiness. Not real happiness, because that would mean being with Elena, but at least something... The fact that Maggie never even met my brother is also definitely a bonus and it is refreshing. She never met Stefan. That makes me smile. Does it make me look sad? Well, it's true. I like the fact that she never met the Salvatore brother every girl seems to prefer. Call me pathetic, I don't care. It is what it is.

Maggie is also a vampire. She is a beautiful woman and she is... good. She is really, actually nice. She smiles a lot and she likes to make me smile also. She points her finger to me, but at the same time she doesn't treat me like a broken man who doesn't deserve anyone on his side. She doesn't expect anything of me but it feels like she wants to give me everything. How cool is that? Plus she is hot and totally awesome in bed.

She is lucky of course. She is lucky because she met me AE (after Elena). She owes our "friendship" to Elena because before her, I would have fucked her and would have left her bed before she had time to put her panties back on. But it is different now. I am different and it was Elena who brought up this side of me. A side I had almost forgot it existed. It was her who made me realize that being alone and driving everyone away doesn't necessary mean I protect myself from heartbreak. Being around Elena made me realize that being lonely was not the way I wanted to spend eternity. So I am grateful. She gave me more than I deserved and I will always love her for that. But it was because of that, that I started wanting more for myself. Sue me, but being the 2nd choice and the replacement of Saint Stefan was just not enough for me any more. So I left Mystic Falls and moved on and I really don't want to go back right now. It hurt like a bitch seeing her with my brother again. It was just so damn painful and I short of got over it. I finally feel much better. I don't think about her 24/7. No. Not any more. I managed to get that down to 23,5/7 and don't you dare laugh at me. This is a big progress. Half an hour of peace is something that six months ago, I didn't believe was even possible. I mean if I didn't have to go back and kept this up then in 12 years I could pass a day without thinking about her. Without hurting for her, missing her. And 12 years are not that long. Especially if you are a vampire. But I have to return to Mystic Falls now and I am sure I will go back to 24/7 again...

How much pain a man can take? How much rejection? A lot probably, judging by myself. I stayed in Mystic Falls a month after Elena died and turned. I helped her while fighting with my brother, And Caroline. And Bonnie and even Elena, who wanted my help but she also didn't want her precious boyfriend to feel like she was rejecting him. Because God Forbid if Saint Stefan feels like "2nd best" in anything. That is reserved for me and me only. So, the moment Elena was in control I picked up my pieces and I left. I am glad I did. I really am. Because I finally have some peace now and it's nice. I like it. I am not afraid of Esther and whatever evil is waiting for me back home but I am shit scared about seeing her again. I am scared she will suck me back in and I don't want to suffer any more. Ok? Didn't I have enough of that?

I felt Maggie's eyes on my back**.**

"What is going on? Who was on the phone?" **S**he asks. Her voice silky.

I turn around to look at her. Really look at her. She is beautiful. She is wearing my t-shirt and blue shorts. Her black long hair falls over her shoulders like a cascade. Her beautiful black eyes showing a hint of concern.

"Stefan" I reply and I see her arching an eyebrow**.**  
"Pack your things". I say with a sigh while turning my back to her. "We need to go to Mystic Falls".

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**It's the first time I used Elena's and Damon's POVs so I hope it wasn't too awful. Give me your thoughts about it, please?**


End file.
